Not So Lost by IntheMoment

[JRK Archiver]

Title: Not So Lost
Author: IntheMoment
Category: Jason/Elizabeth, A/R.
Spoilers: None.
Rating: G.
Feedback: Definitely appreciated! Here or PM me.
Disclaimer: Am not, never have been, affiliated with Disney, ABC Daytime, General Hospital, etc. Characters are not mine, not making any money playing with them…just using them because I so don't like JFP and Fronsland.
A/N: I started this when Carly was in the hospital. It's my version of where things should have gone after.

[JRK Archiver]

Chapter 1

Jason stood, hands on hips, staring at the white tile floor and tried to rein in the feelings that were running rampant through him at the moment. Frustration, anger, fear. It seemed as if they all had only grown stronger inside him since Carly woke up. He couldn't look at Sonny and didn't quite understand why. All he knew was that he didn't want to see the look of skepticism in the older man's dark, brooding eyes.

Maybe it was different…the way Carly felt.

But maybe it wasn't.

No one could really know for certain…no one except Carly.

"I…I'm just gonna go," Jason said as he bent his head and rubbed the back of his index finger across his eyebrow. "Tell Courtney to call Max to take her home."

"Jason. You know Carly would want to see you."

As he watched the hospital business flow endlessly past them Jason couldn't help but reflect back to the time after the accident when he woke up to bright smiles and pleading words. To everyone, with their good intentions, desperately trying to make him remember something that was gone.

Just like he tried to explain to Sonny, he had felt trapped.

And he wouldn't do that to Carly.

"Tell her…tell her I'll talk to her later."

Without another word Jason turned and walked to the elevators. He didn't look back as he punched the down button and waited for the elevator doors to open.

He just needed air…and space to let the anger roiling around inside him to subside.


*~*~*


Elizabeth sank down onto the bench that looked out over Spoon Island thankful that she could finally sit before her legs gave out. What had she done, saying yes to dinner with Ric?

For months now her life had been nothing but a jumble of fear, heartbreak, pain and crazy, mixed up emotions. She was tired of feeling so alone, so frightened…so lost. Did she think reconciling with Ric would make everything fine? How could she even consider letting him back into her life after all the sick and twisted things he had done? Did she want love that badly?

She knew she wasn't perfect. Obviously sleeping with Zander on Halloween hadn't been the smartest thing to do, but they weren't hurting anyone. At that moment all she had wanted was to push everything away for a little while. Elizabeth knew it was just a temporary fix, momentary relief from everything that was overwhelming her. She and Zander had reached out to one another for all the wrong reasons and in the long run it wouldn't solve anything. They were friends, that's all they'd ever be. She knew that, he knew that and she thought they were both actually okay with it this time.

Heavy footsteps, pounding down the stairs behind her, pulled Elizabeth's mind back to the present. Jumpy didn't begin to describe how she felt these days. A deer caught in the headlights seemed more appropriate. As her heart raced with a burst of adrenaline she hurriedly gathered up her purse, ready to stand…ready to flee.


*~*~*


Clenching his hands into fists, Jason shoved them deep into the pockets of his worn, black leather jacket. It was cold. He was tired. Lost in thought he descended the steps down to the dock at Bannister's Wharf.

Out of the corner of his eye he caught movement and a rush of adrenaline pumped through him. After surviving Faith's hit at the meeting of the five families, Jason knew it was stupid to let his guard down, even for a moment. His hand reached for the gun that wasn't there as his head snapped around. It surprised him to find Elizabeth, her pale face set in fear, dark eyes wide, across the dock from him.

They stood for a moment, staring at each other as recognition and relief set in.

"Hey," he said finally, feeling the tension drain out of his shoulders.

"You scared me," she said breathlessly, clutching her purse to her chest. With a soft, flippant laugh she went on, "But I guess that's nothing new. These days it seems like everything scares me. Getting out of bed, my reflection in a store window, cars honking on the street. And then there's the fear of walking down any kind of stairs. You know, the usual stuff."

"I…I'm sorry."

"Oh, don't apologize. It's not your fault," she said as she sank back down onto the bench. "No, this is all me."

Jason stood for a moment, watching her eyes, round and dark, lose focus as she stared out across the harbor.

"You know Jason, I've done some stupid things in my life, but I really never thought I was an idiot before now."

"C'mon Elizabeth," he said quietly as he sat down next to her on the bench. "You're not an idiot."

"You wouldn't be saying that if you knew what I just did."

Jason waited for her to go on, not sure he wanted to know but he would listen. His concern for Elizabeth was still there, still strong. In all the months that they hadn't really been talking at least there was one thing that had never gone away. He wasn't sure that it ever would.

"God, I just can't…I don't know how—" she said with a shudder. Shaking herself, she smiled tremulously, and turned to face him. "You know what, let's talk about something else."

"Okay," he said quietly settling back against the bench.

Her eyes searched his face as her straight, white teeth scraped across her bottom lip. "You look tired."

He nodded in acknowledgement. "Morgan…he's awake a lot during the night. I'm usually up with him."

Jason watched Elizabeth's dark blue eyes shimmer as the ghost of a smile touched her lips for a moment. "Morgan? Wow. I didn't know that's what they named him," she said shifting her eyes away from his. "So, you and…Courtney are taking care of him?"

"Yeah. Until Carly feels like…until she can."

"That's a lot of responsibility."

"I don't…I don't mind. He's pretty easy. And I know a hell of a lot more this time than I did when I took care of Michael."

"I'm sure you do. I bet he's sweet," Elizabeth said. A soft smile broke across her face. "How's Michael doing with all of this?"

"He's good. I think…he seems to like being a big brother."

"It's nice that they have each other. I hope—" she said, her voice winding down to a soft halt as she thought fleetingly about her non-existent relationship with her own siblings. "I hope they can be close. How's Carly? Lucky told me she's out of the coma."

Jason took a deep breath and looked out across the water. "Yeah. She…she's confused and trying hard not to show it. Trying not to disappoint people."

"Jason, is she going to be all right?"

He shrugged.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be asking all these questions. It's not like Carly and I have ever really gotten along and with everything that happened I'm sure that I'd be the last one she'd want knowing personal things about her."

"It…it's okay Elizabeth."

A gust of wind sent a yellowed, brittle page of newspaper skittering across the silvered wooden boards of the dock. Jason watched it disappear over the edge…gone.

Elizabeth turned toward him again. In a quiet voice she asked, "Are you all right?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Taking a deep breath Elizabeth went on, "Well, the last few months haven't been easy. I mean with what…what Ric did and then Em, now Carly. On top of it all it has to be hard for you to see her struggling like this. You know how she feels."

"It's not the same," he said as he blew out a short, sharp burst of air and rubbed his hands over his face. "At least that's what Sonny says."

"Oh, right, I forgot, Sonny's the expert on everything," she said with a roll of her eyes. Dropping her gaze to the twisted purse strap she held in her hands Elizabeth shook her head. "Sorry…I'm sorry. I should just keep my mouth shut when it comes to Sonny."

"He feels guilty and he's scared. Doesn't want to face the fact that she might not be the same…as she…as she was before."

"Well, at least she's awake and knows who she is. That's good."

Nodding, Jason looked down at his hands. "Yeah, it is…it's good."

While silence slipped around them twilight slid out of the sky and colored the docks with its murky blue, black glow. The lights that lit the dock snapped alive, one by one, casting pools of amber light at even intervals.

Jason caught the twist of her wrist as Elizabeth looked at her watch. "You need to be somewhere?"

"Work," she said with a nod. "Bobbie gave me my job back at Kelly's. Thank God."

"That's good."

"I guess. Sometimes I think it's kind of pathetic. I just keep running from one thing to another trying to find something. Most of the time I don't even know what it is I'm looking for. And I just seem to end up back in the same place."

"You'll figure it out."

"Are you sure about that Jason? Because I'm not at all."

"You've done it before."

"But that was different. I had someone to help me."

"You did…you did the hard part."

"Looking back on things now, it doesn't seem like it was so hard. I mean I know it was at the time, but sometimes…no, almost all the time, I just wish I could go back and start all over again."

Jason found himself wanting to ask her where she would go back to if she could start over again, but he didn't. What was the point? It wouldn't change the past.

"God, listen to me," Elizabeth said as she rose from the bench. "I really need to shut up and just go."

"C'mon on, I'll walk you."

Elizabeth wasn't sure why the lump formed in her throat just then. Or why hot tears pricked at the back of her eyes.

When she felt her voice would come out steady Elizabeth laughed and said, "I know, I know. I shouldn't be out here in the dark by myself. It isn't safe."

Jason slid his hands into his pockets and nodded, a small smile tugging at his mouth.

As she stood looking up at him with shimmering dark eyes he couldn't help but wonder what Elizabeth was thinking. Seemed like it wasn't that long ago when he always knew. Not anymore. But at least lately, every time they talked, it was easier between them and Jason found he was glad for that.

"Thanks for listening to me Jason. For the moment I don't feel quite so lost."

As they headed toward Kelly's Jason realized that he felt the same way. The anger and frustration he had carried with him to the docks had melted away.

Maybe now it was time to go see Carly. If she was asleep he'd just sit with her and maybe she'd feel not so lost too.

[JRK Archiver]

Chapter 2

Elizabeth watched him come quickly down the stairs, his heavy boots pounding the wood, loud in the near empty diner. He didn't look around, just headed straight for the door, but she could tell…or thought she could…that he was upset.

There was a time when she had known how Jason Morgan felt. Automatically. Instinctually. She could sense when he was frustrated, sad, unhappy. Maybe a small part of that was left. Some connection. She liked to think so anyway.

Setting the sparkling, clean coffee pot back on the machine she turned to Penny and said, "Do you mind if I skip out a little early?"

"No, go ahead," the woman said with a knowing smile. "It's slow. I can handle the rest."

"Thanks Penny. Next time's your turn."

As she grabbed her things, Elizabeth saw that Jason had stopped out in the courtyard. One hand rested on his hip as the other rubbed hard across his forehead. Slipping into her long, warm coat, she wrapped a soft blue scarf around her neck a couple of times and pushed through the door.

When he didn't turn she asked softly, "Jason, are you…I thought maybe…you might need—" God, couldn't she just say what she meant? "Do you want to talk about it?"

His face, when he turned, was set in weary resignation. She'd seen that look before. Knew that it meant he was going to shut down and secure himself behind a barricade guarded by empty, pale blue eyes. "Talk about…about what?"

"The fact that your wife is somewhere you're not?"

Jason let out a sigh as his eyes shifted away from hers and his throat convulsed in a hard swallow.

"I don't mean to butt into your business, but you seem upset. And it wasn't so long ago that—" That what? she asked herself. "You know, I can listen too. I'd like to return the favor."

He turned back to her, silent for a few seconds. "Thanks. I just…I don't know what there is to…to talk about."

"Okay, I understand. You don't want to talk to me about it. I'll just leave you alone. God knows you don't need me making things worse," she said trying to inject her voice with something close to cheer. "I mean it's not like we're really even friends anymore so why would you want to tell me about something so personal? Sometimes lately I forget that."

"We…we're friends Elizabeth." His voice dropped, took on that low, breathless, intimate quality that had always made her stomach churn. "We'll always be…be more—"

"Good," she said quickly, not sure she wanted him to finish what he had been about to say. "That makes me glad. There for a while I didn't think there would be any way that we'd ever get that back."

"It was never…never gone."

"It felt like it was Jason."

He looked at her with glittery eyes and she wondered what thoughts he was thinking behind them. Had it felt the same way to him? Did he even think about it?

"I hurt you. I understand that now."

"Yes," she acknowledged with a nod. "But I hurt you too."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry Jason. So sorry."

"I—I know Elizabeth," He said softly. "I am too."

A tentative smile pulled at her lips. "Thank you for saying that."

They stood for a moment eyes locked on one another's, snow falling around them and it hit her hard. The sense of comfort she felt in his presence…the familiar feeling of safety. The knowing…with absolute certainty…that he would let her be herself.

Elizabeth could feel her eyes begin to well with hot tears of frustration and longing. She wished…. What? That she hadn't slept with Zander and complicated her life by getting pregnant? Or that she hadn't jumped into a marriage with a man who manipulated and lied to her almost every day of their short time together. If she hadn't walked out of Jason's penthouse that cold October night, hadn't pushed aside everything she wanted just because she was hurt and disappointed, things might be different now. Dropping her head, she shook it slightly and told herself that it didn't do any good to wish for things you couldn't change.

"I have to…need to…get away from here," he said, looking back into the diner. "You want a ride somewhere?"

"I'd like that."

They walked in silence out to where his motorcycle was parked. As Jason straddled the bike he handed her the heavy black helmet and waited while she pulled it on. When she was settled behind him he looked back over his shoulder and asked, "Where to?"

"Anywhere, unless you'd rather be alone," she said loudly over the noise of the bike. "If that, then you can drop me off at my studio."

His head nodded once and she heard the words hang on as he merged smoothly into the swift flow of traffic.


*~*~*


"It's wet," he said as he brushed the snow off the bench. "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea."

"I'm okay Jason, my coat is thick but you're going to get wet."

"I—I think I'll live."

"Oh wait," she said quickly as she opened her bag and pulled out a section of the newspaper. "I just remembered I had this."

Jason took it from her and she watched his eyes scan it, noting the circles she had made around certain ads.

"It's okay. I don't need it anymore. I didn't find what I was looking for." What she left out was that there weren't any apartments, bigger than her studio, that she could afford. She wasn't sure what she would do when the baby came. A crib in the corner of a cold, drafty room that always smelled of paint and turpentine wasn't exactly her idea of the best environment to raise a child in.

"It's really beautiful up here, with the snow," She said quietly, watching the thick flakes float down on invisible currents of air. "I haven't been here in a long time."

"Me either. Not since last…last summer."

She pushed away the memories…wasn't sure she wouldn't start to cry if she let herself think about the time they sat together on a warm summer night…the kiss they shared that turned her world upside down. He had tried to push her away that night, but it hadn't worked. They both knew it. Eventually they got to a place where they accepted that they wanted to be together. And then…well, she wasn't going to think about that right now.

"I know you said that there wasn't anything to talk about…but Jason…if you want to I'll listen. God knows you've done that enough times for me."

He let out a sigh and shook his head and Elizabeth thought that he was going to brush it off again. She was surprised when he started talking, the words coming out in a soft rush.

"Things aren't…they aren't always perfect, I know that. Sometimes you disagree. You get…you get mad, but find a way to hold on through the rough spots."

"I guess that all depends on a person's definition of rough spots," Elizabeth said. "After all that's happened I realize now that some are a lot rougher than others. There are those pesky patches of ice where, when you hit them, your life kind of goes out of control for a second, but you get it back on track quickly because the pavement's dry on the other side and it really wasn't anything that big. Sure it seemed scary at the time, but when you're over it, it fades away quickly." She laughed softly, wondering if it sounded as hollow to Jason's ears as it did to her own. "That endless sheet of black ice, now that's the one you have to watch out for. No clue, no warning. Before you even realize it's there you're on top of it, whirling and spinning out of control, praying to God for your life, wondering if you're going to end up in a ditch somewhere lost in the dark questioning everything you thought was real and good."

"Eliz—Elizabeth…" Jason said quietly.

She turned to him, saw the concern in his light blue eyes and for the second time that night felt tears fill her own. Another strangled, soft laugh escaped her as she looked away from him. "God, I offer to listen and then can't shut up talking about…about…my own problems. I'm sorry. That really made you feel better didn't it?"

"It…it's okay. You've been through a lot."

"Don't do that Jason."

"Do what?"

"Brush aside everything that's happened to you just to try and make me feel better. I appreciate it, really I do, but I don't want you to do that any more. If I'm going to take responsibility for my own life I have to accept the choices I made and live with the consequences."

She had told herself that so many times it almost sounded convincing when she said it out loud.

"You didn't choose to end up in the hospital fighting for your life."

"But I chose to stay with Ric when I knew something just wasn't right. I chose to forgive him more than once instead of listening to my feelings…trusting them."

"C'mon Elizabeth, don't do that to yourself."

"I let him—"

"You didn't let him do anything," Jason said fiercely. "Ric took advantage of the person you are just like he took advantage of Carly. It's how he operates. Don't put that on yourself."

"I don't know how not to Jason. If I hadn't—"

"Just don't…do it."

"You make it sound so easy."

"I know…I know it's not," he said rubbing his hands over his face as he let out a sigh.

They sat for a while, silent, thoughts turned inward. Elizabeth watched the snowflakes thin until they stopped. Below them, like broken glass on dark asphalt, the city lights sparkled and shimmered in the crisp cold air.

"Emily told me she had enrolled in PCU, that she's thinking about going to med school."

"Yeah, that's what she says."

"That's exciting. Monica and Alan should be happy about that."

Jason nodded.

"Emily going to med school. Lucky a cop. Me, back waitressing at Kelly's." She laughed then. "Two steps forward, one step back."

"There are worse things."

"That's true." Elizabeth thought she'd probably find out what those were as her pregnancy advanced. Spending long hours on her feet wasn't going to be the easiest job to have. Then what was she going to do?

Aside from Dr. Meadows and Emily, she hadn't told anyone else she was pregnant. It would be easy she thought, just to let the words spill out of her mouth here…now…and be done with it. I'm having Zander's baby. There was something that stopped her. She wasn't sure how Jason would respond…if he would even react at all. And somehow, the thought of him not having any reaction, made her stomach churn.

"So, still don't want to talk about what we're not talking about, huh Jason?" Elizabeth said trying to change the direction of her thoughts before she blurted out the secret that she kept.

Glancing at him she saw a quick grin pull at the corners of his mouth. "Maybe…maybe next time."

"Okay, that's a deal. Next time."

She could live with that because it meant that they'd see each other again. Spending time with Jason, just talking, was nice. It reminded her of how things used to be, when their lives were simpler. Of course then she had thought hers to be fraught with complications and difficulties.

If she had only known then what she knew now.

After the things she had faced in the last several months and those she would face in the coming ones…all she could do was wish for simpler times.

If wishes were horses.

[JRK Archiver]

Chapter 3

Jason Morgan stood in the middle of General Hospital and watched his wife walk away knowing that each time he let her go it would get easier for her not to come back.

Maybe it was better this way.

Distractions weren't something he could afford right now with Sonny out of the picture. It was going to take his full concentration to deal with Alcazar…and with Faith Roscoe.

Rubbing his hands over his face Jason turned to head to the elevator and saw Elizabeth step out of it. Without looking around, she turned to the right and hurried down the corridor intent on her destination. By the way her shoulders hunched and her brow furrowed he could tell something was weighing heavy on her mind.

"Hey," Nikolas Cassadine said in greeting as he walked up to where Jason stood watching Elizabeth disappear around the corner.

Turning to the younger man and nodding, he asked, "Anything with Faith?"

"No. She wouldn't give me any information. I don't know if she's on to me or what. She said she'd be in touch."

"Okay, just be…be careful around her and keep your eyes open. She doesn't follow any rules but her own. That makes her unpredictable."

"I hear that man. Zander's working for her now. Did you know that?"

Jason nodded. It hadn't surprised him when he found out. Zander had never been very smart, but at least now he wasn't tied to Emily. If something happened to the young hothead she wouldn't be in the middle of it and Jason was glad for that. He wouldn't have to watch her face dissolve into tears as she pleaded with him to spare her husband. Now that she was no longer married to Zander, if he got in the way, he'd be dealt with.


*~*~*


It was quiet in Kelly's when Jason walked in later that evening. An older couple occupied one table and a middle-aged woman reading a book sat at another. As he slid onto a stool at the counter he ran his hands wearily over his face. He was tired and about a million other things that he didn't want to name and was trying hard not to think about.

"She's gone."

He looked up to find Elizabeth placing a large, thick white cup in front of him and filling it with steaming coffee. When he didn't respond, she went on.

"Courtney, she left."

"Yeah," he nodded. "I know."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"It—It's okay. I was here earlier, before she left."

"So that's good, she moved back home."

Jason's eyes slid away from Elizabeth's. "No. That's not…she didn't. She went down to the Island to take care of Michael and Morgan."

"Oh," Elizabeth said, her eyebrows rising slightly. "And how do you feel about that?"

"I…I guess she's just doing what she thinks is right."

"But that doesn't answer my question Jason," Elizabeth said quietly as she turned and set the coffee pot back on the burner. "Do you ever stop and consider how you feel about anything…everything?"

"Doesn't matter. I can't…won't…tell her not to go."

"Right. She gets to make her own choices."

Jason nodded.

"So, when do you get a choice?"

With a sigh he looked back at Elizabeth. "I made my choice."

"By letting her go?"

He nodded. "By that. By not going after Sonny. By not being able to change who I am or how…how I live."

"But Jason, you shouldn't have to change any of that."

"You sure about that? Seems like somebody always wants me to change. Courtney, the Quartermaines, Carly…" He let his voice trail down to nothing. They both heard the name he didn't say.

But you are Sonny's enforcer, first, last, and always. I hope it's enough.

As Elizabeth's words came back to him Jason shook his head slightly. He wasn't going to go back there…wasn't going to relive that night when he watched her walk out the door and away from him. Those feelings had been pushed down, put away and he had moved on.

Her voice was soft when she spoke. "The funny thing is Jason I never really wanted you to change. I just wanted…I just wanted you to…." She stopped then and sighed. Tucking her hair behind her ears she went on. "You know what? Never mind what I wanted you to do. It's over and done."

He looked at Elizabeth more closely then and saw the pale tinge to her skin. Exhaustion was evident on her face, in the flat sound of her voice and the weariness around her eyes.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

She stilled, her hands that had been efficiently drying coffee cups, ceased their movement and came to rest against her stomach.

"I…I'm fine…really."

"You don't…you don't look fine."

"Well, thanks Jason. Just what a girl wants to hear."

"I—I'm sorry, should I not have said that?"

"No…no…it's okay," she said with a soft laugh as her eyes slid away from his. "It's not you. I'm just…well…I'll be all right."

"Are you sure?"

"No," she whispered. "But I really don't have much choice."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He watched her catch her bottom lip between her teeth, considering. There was something she was struggling with, debating whether to tell him. Pressing her lips together Elizabeth shook her head almost as if acknowledging her decision.

"This is something I need to deal with on my own. It isn't fair to anyone else if I dump it on them."

"I saw you at…at the hospital. You're not sick are you?" Jason wasn't sure what he'd do if she said yes, wasn't sure how much more he could take.

Elizabeth's eyes flew up to meet his, immediately understanding what he was asking. Quickly she assured him, "No…God Jason, no, it's nothing like that."

"Would you tell me if it…if it was?"

"Yes," she said without hesitation. "That isn't something I could keep from you."

"But whatever this is, you can…keep it from me." He wasn't sure why that angered him. After all he really didn't have any right to be mad at Elizabeth. It wasn't as if they were together or anything.

"You have enough to deal with Jason. I'm not going to drop my problems in your lap anymore."

"You know I'm always—"

"I know," she said interrupting him. "Are you hungry? I can get you something."

"No, I should get going. Thanks…thanks for the coffee."

"Any time".

As he reached the door she called his name. With his hand on the door, he turned and watched a soft, warm smile spread across her face. It was one he hadn't seen in a long time and it filled him with something he didn't understand but was glad to have. "Take care."

With a nod he walked out of Kelly's to find snow falling again. It would be a cold ride home.


*~*~*


"Come on man, just do it. Put me out of my misery."

"Don't tempt me," Jason growled as he leaned into Zander, putting his weight behind the arm jammed across the younger man's throat.

"We both know you want to. Why the hesitation Jason?"

"Tell your boss that if anything happens to Nikolas Cassadine I'll start with you and work my way up to her."

"You really think she's going to be scared of your empty threats?" Zander asked with a strangled laugh.

"Oh these aren't empty threats. I don't have a problem making Faith Roscoe disappear. So unless you want to disappear too, you'll convince her."

"Not gonna happen. You think I give a damn what happens to Nikolas?"

"No, but I think you care what happens to Emily."

Zander shook his head. "Nope. Once I did, but that was all a lie. So…whatever happens, she deserves what she gets. Emily made her bed, now she has to lie in it."

Jason's fist swung lightning fast, connecting with Zander's mouth in a sickening thud and the younger man crumpled to the silvered wooden boards of the dock.

"Make you feel better Jason?" Zander asked with a derisive laugh as he turned his head and spit out a mouth full of blood.

They both turned when they heard the light footsteps descending the stairs.

"Oh my God, Zander. Are you all right?" Elizabeth asked, her voice full of concern as she crossed the dock quickly and kneeled down next to him.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll live," he said brusquely as he rose to his feet, shrugging off her concern as easily as he did her hands that were trying to help him up.

"Jason, what did you do?" Her accusatory tone took Jason instantly back to the moment after Lucky had tried to kill him with a knife. Only this time he couldn't claim innocence, so instead he said nothing.

"Oh Jason's just delivering a message. I guess I wasn't listening right."

"Zander."

"Don't Elizabeth. I know what you're going to say. It's nice and all. At one time I would've appreciated it. Not now. So just save your breath."

"But Zander, everything is different now."

"No," he said adamantly shaking his head. "No. You know you can't count on me. So just let it go."

Jason watched Elizabeth's face crumple as Zander walked away. Her eyes glittered and shimmered as she fought hard to keep the tears from sliding down her face. When she rounded on him Jason saw the flash of anger in her eyes flicker out as she slumped into submission.

"Please don't hurt him Jason."

"He's an adult. He knew the risks when he got mixed up with Faith Roscoe."

"If you ever cared about me you'll do this one thing."

"Why?"

"Please don't ask me questions I can't answer."

"Can't? Or won't?"

He could feel his stomach begin to churn as she looked at him, pleading with wide, dark eyes for him to understand. Funny thing was…he did. He knew what it felt like to keep something important from someone who mattered. He understood how keeping a secret, no matter how well intentioned, gnawed at you, hung over you like a heavy veil until you were sure you'd drown from the weight of it.

"Won't. Won't answer," she said as she lifted her chin and stood straight before him.

"You can tell me anything, you…you know that."

Folding her arms across her chest, Elizabeth looked down at her feet before her eyes rose back to Jason's. "I always thought that, I did Jason. I believed it because I thought you knew you could tell me anything too. I guess I learned that's not always the case."

There wasn't much he could say to that because she was right. So, for the second time in his life, and against his better judgment, Jason acquiesced to Elizabeth's request.

"Okay. I won't…I won't hurt Zander. But…" he said as she began to talk. "But…I can't guarantee his safety."

"I understand, I do. Just promise you won't hurt him."

His eyes closed then and he shook his head slightly. It was a bad move, he knew that. Letting his personal feelings sway his judgment when he knew what needed to be done wasn't good business. It wasn't the way Sonny had taught him.

"Okay," he said softly. "I promise. I won't hurt him."

The tears she had fought so hard to hold back shimmered on her cheek then. Without thinking Jason reached out and swept them away with his thumb, caressing her face gently. When Elizabeth stepped toward him, settled her arms around his waist and pressed close to him it caught him off guard but she was warm and solid, she fit against him like a good memory and he welcomed the brief respite from the turmoil that was his life. He let himself sink into that feeling until Elizabeth pulled away slowly.

"Jason," she said softly as she looked up at him. "There is a reason why I don't want anything to happen to Zander. A good reason. And I'll tell you, I will, I promise."

"It…it's okay."

"Thank you."

He nodded and said, "I really need to get going. Are you okay?"

"I will be. I'm on my way home," she said. "Talk to you later?"

It was a question rather than a statement.

"Yeah, I'll be…I'll be around."

With a smile, Elizabeth turned and Jason watched her walk away. As he headed to the coffee warehouse he couldn't help but wonder just what repercussions the promise he made would bring.

[JRK Archiver]

Chapter 4

Elizabeth stood in front of him, her dark hair blowing in the cold breeze. She hadn't wanted to do this here, now, but…would there ever be a right time? "Zander, you'll know that you have a child. How are you going to feel five years from now?"

"Elizabeth," he answered wearily. "In five years I'll probably be dead."

"Oh God, don't say that."

"It's the truth," he said unable to meet her eyes.

"It doesn't have to be."

"In your world maybe."

"You are in my world Zander."

"No, no. I thought I was." His dark eyes flashed, then skittered away from hers again, and Elizabeth could see the hurt, the fear, the defeat. "But that was only because I believed Emily loved me. Now I know that was always a lie."

"It wasn't. She did love you, she does, but sometimes things happen and that love changes. And it's nobody's fault, it's just what is."

He let out a short, sharp laugh. "So…what Elizabeth? Huh? Are you saying that things between us could change and you're gonna fall madly in love with me? Or me with you?"

"I don't know Zander. But if you're gone how is anything going to be possible? Our baby needs a father. That has to mean something."

"Yeah, it means that I can set myself up for yet another failure. I don't exactly have the best role model as far as father figures go."

"Then change that."

"Why? Why should I? So I can get stuck here in Port Charles? So I can watch Emily with Nikolas every day and realize how much I suck? Nope. Not gonna happen," he said as he rubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath then nodded once, decisively. "I'll have Alexis draw up the papers."

"Papers?"

"So I can sign over my rights to the baby."

"But Zander, that's not what I want."

"Well, that's what you got. This way you'll be free to do whatever you see fit. I'm moving on Elizabeth. You need to deal with that."

As she watched him walk away Elizabeth felt loneliness sweep in to settle itself in the empty hole that had been forming inside her. Sinking down on the nearest bench she was still, tears sliding silently down her face.

Free.

It had been a long time since she felt truly free. Maybe in those first few months with Ric. But even then, there was always something…no, someone…who still had a hold on her.

Jason.

No matter how deep she tried to bury her feelings for Jason they were still there because she hadn't dealt with them…or him. All she'd done was run away from the situation, that didn't mean the feelings disappeared with each step.

No, she thought, that to find a time when she had felt free she had to go back to before Lucky returned from the dead, when she and Jason were spending time together, riding his motorcycle on a road to nowhere whenever they felt like it. She was painting then. Happy. Looking forward, finally, to what her life would become.

But that was a long time ago. So far from where she was now that it seemed like a dream. Or that it happened to someone else and she had just read about it.

Raising a child with no one to count on, no one to turn to if she needed support wouldn't be easy. Somehow she'd have to figure things out quickly because the baby didn't deserve to pay for her failings.

"Hey."

Elizabeth started at the sound of his voice so near. Hastily wiping the tears from her cheeks, she turned, a bright smile fixed on her face. "Hi."

Of course she never could fool Jason for long. She watched his brow knit together, deep furrows of concern appearing. "What…what's wrong? You've been crying."

"Yeah. Imagine that. Crying, in public no less. What's the world coming to? I mean, next thing you know, fireballs will be raining from the heavens, cities will be in ruins, and then the world will stop turning. All because Elizabeth Webber…oh, wait…no," she said holding up her hand as her eyes closed for a moment. "Not Webber anymore…Lansing. You'd think I could remember that. Such a wonderful time in my life. A showcase really, of my perpetual bad judgment and overwhelming stupidity. Note to self: go and get the name change done a.s.a.p."

"Elizabeth," Jason said on a sigh. "Don't…don't do that. "

"Why not? It's true. How could I love him Jason? How could I?"

He sat down on the bench next to her and was silent for what seemed like minutes. "Just because Ric turned out to be someone else doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. He's sick and twisted Elizabeth. The hatred he has for Sonny, the issues that he's dealt with all his life, you know Adella and being left, all that stuff, it's what makes him do what he does. Not you."

"But how could I let him into my life? How could I believe all his lies?"

"Maybe…maybe not all of them were lies."

Because she had never heard him give Ric the benefit of the doubt…ever…Elizabeth couldn't help but wonder then if Jason wasn't talking about himself and Courtney just as much as her and Ric.

"You know, I don't want to talk about him anymore. I don't know how we got on the subject of my failure as a wife, that wasn't even what I was crying about this time."

"Okay. Do you…do you want to talk about it yet? I can help…or not. It's up to you."

"Why Jason? Why would you even want to help me?"

"Come on Elizabeth, you know why."

"I'm not sure I know anything anymore. Things have changed so much; can change in the blink of an eye. One day someone's here, the next they're dead. One day you're married, the next you're not. One day you find out you're going to have a baby."

There. It was out. And even though she wondered what Jason was going to think, at least she had finally told her secret.

Slowly, he turned to her, eyes shining in the streetlight as concern furrowed his brow for the second time that night. "A baby?"

"A baby."

"Does Ric…does he know?" His voice was soft, calm, everything she needed it to be.

And hers was hard, bitter and rough. "It's none of his business."

"But don't you…don't you think the father has a right to know?"

"Yes and if Ric were the father then he'd know. But, thank God he isn't, so it's none of his business."

She knew he wouldn't ask…because that's just the way Jason was.

"What…is there anything I can help with?"

"No…no."

"Do you need money?"

"For what?" she asked her voice rising in disbelief. "I am not having an abortion Jason. God, how could you think I'd want to get rid of it…the baby?"

She watched his eyes widen for a split second but his voice came out soft, steady. "No, that's not what…. I meant for the doctor, all the things you'll need."

Elizabeth closed her eyes, trying to stem the tide of tears, but it didn't work. They still squeezed out, streaming hot down her cold cheeks. Her voice came out in a whisper, caught on a strangled, soft sob. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry. I should have known that's not what you meant."

"It…it's okay."

"No Jason, it's not. All you're doing is trying to help and see what you get? Suspicious accusations. God, I am a piece of work."

Wanting to get away, Elizabeth stood then, quickly, and found her head swimming. The streetlights swirled around in waves as a roar in her ears blotted out the traffic and harbor sounds. She felt clammy, hazy, like a fog pressed in around her, dragging at her, weighing her down until she was sure she would never make it back to the surface.

"Hang on." His voice was close to her ear…calm, composed, comforting. "You're all right." His arms held her…strong, solid, soothing.

Turning her face into his neck, Elizabeth breathed in, deeply, inhaling his scent. He was warm, smelled of leather, coffee beans and the wind. Being close to him reminded her of all the things that were good and right about being with Jason. She wanted, more than anything, to stay where she was, feel what she felt—safe, secure, sheltered. Instead she stepped away, pushed her fingers through her hair, and looked anywhere but at his face. "I—I'm okay. I stood up too fast and got a little light headed. I'm just…really tired."

"And you're freezing. Come on. I'll walk you home."

She nodded, knowing he wouldn't take no for an answer. They walked the few blocks in silence. Jason followed her upstairs, waiting while she unlocked the heavy steel door and pushed it open. After turning on the light, Elizabeth crossed to the table and plopped her things down. When she turned, she found Jason still standing in the doorway, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his worn leather jacket, his soft blue eyes scanning the room.

Suddenly she knew that she didn't want him to leave. Didn't want to feel the ache of loneliness settle down around her again that night. "Will you come in? Stay for a minute…a while?"

She watched as his soft blue gaze returned to hers, his eyes narrowing for a moment before he bent his head and rubbed the back of his index finger across his eyebrow.

There was so much connecting them, more good than bad, so many things, thoughts and feeling that they both had pushed down and locked away. Almost from the beginning the space between them had been filled with mines, traps, and pitfalls but when it came down to it, for the most part, they had avoided them.

For an instant she thought he was going to shake his head no, turn around, and walk away. She couldn't handle that…not tonight. The words came out on a rush, her voice catching as tears swam to the surface again, blurring her vision, "I really don't want to be alone right now."

With a quick, deep breath Jason stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He swallowed heavily, looked straight into her eyes. "You're not."

"Thank you," she said softly as she crossed over to the couch and sat down, pulled her knees up to her chest and a soft blue blanket over her. With her sleeve she wiped her eyes, but it didn't seem to help much, the tears still kept coming.

Jason slid his coat off, set it on the stool that sat in front of the table and came to sit on the couch.

"Emily knows," she started, her voice soft, still shaky with tears, "about the baby."

"That…that's good."

"And Dr. Meadows, of course," she said with a quiet laugh. Struggling to keep her bottom lip from trembling Elizabeth caught it between her teeth as she reached up to tuck a strand of her silky dark hair behind her ear. "And Zander…he knows…that he's going to be a father."

Jason's eyes closed and she watched the almost imperceptible shake of his head. He held himself as still as possible and when he spoke his voice was low, quiet. "It…it's good that he knows."

"We were only together once…at Halloween. Ric wanted me to go home with him after the party, but I didn't." The words tumbled out, one on top of another. She couldn't seem to stop them and wasn't really sure she even wanted to. "Instead I went to Jake's. Zander had been at the party and then I think he saw Emily and Nikolas together. I'm not sure. But…he ended up back at Jake's too. He was upset. I was…I was really afraid I'd take Ric back so I guess I thought if I did something…to push him away. One thing led to another and—"

"Elizabeth, you don't have to—"

"I know Jason. But I want you to understand why I made you promise not to hurt Zander."

"You didn't make me do anything. I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't want to."

"Right. It's all about choices. Well, I seem to keep making bad ones. Turning to the wrong person…and look what happened."

"You know, sometimes things don't…they don't seem wrong when you're in the middle of them. It isn't until they're done that you can see what was happening and know that it wasn't right."

"It just seems like I've made so many bad choices."

His eyes caught hers again. "Can you go back and change them?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Then let them…let them go. Look, you can wreck yourself over all the stupid stuff you've done or you can just move on. You've got…you've got something to look forward to. Something good."

Elizabeth smiled softly then because Jason's face changed and she knew he wasn't even aware of it. She'd seen it the first time he'd ever told her about taking care of Michael back when they didn't even know each other and she couldn't believe this tough, dangerous guy would open up to her about something so personal.

"Do you remember when you first told me about Michael? About how amazed you were that you could take care of him without anyone teaching you? How much that changed you?"

"Yeah, I—I do. It was in the park."

She nodded. "I felt so…I don't know…honored that you shared those feelings with me. I mean we barely even knew each other. And the way your face lit up when you talked about Michael it just made me see a whole different side of you. You weren't just Emily's brother anymore."

"You're the first person I ever talked to about Michael. It felt…it felt good to tell someone."

"I'm glad you felt like you could talk to me. You listened so much to me that it makes me glad I could do that for you. God Jason, you did so much for me. You never tried to make me feel better, but I always did after talking to you. And the amazing thing is, you still do that."

"It works…it works both ways Elizabeth."

"I'm glad," she said her voice catching again. Taking a deep breath she went on, "I've really missed being able to talk to you. I'm sorry that it took me so long to tell you about…about the baby. There just…it never seemed to be the right time."

"Well, it's done now."

"Yeah. I was afraid, Jason, of what you'd think. I know how you feel about Zander."

"I just…I just don't want to see you get hurt. He doesn't think. He never has."

"I know but I don't think it's going to be a problem now. He doesn't want anything to do with the baby. He told me tonight that he'd have Alexis draw up the papers to sign over his rights to me."

"And how…how do you feel about that?"

"It makes me sad, but I can't force him to be in the baby's life if he doesn't want to be involved. That wouldn't be good for anyone."

"No, you're right. Babies can sense things. They know when you're upset, when things just aren't right."

Pushing her hands through her hair, Elizabeth rubbed her fingers across her eyes, sweeping away the tears that just kept coming. "I'm really scared Jason. I don't know if I can do this all by myself. I mean what's going to happen when I can't work, there are so many things a baby needs. Maybe it's selfish of me to think I can keep it. What kind of life am I going to be able to give this child?"

"You'll love it, right?" She nodded. "And you'll do the best…the best you can, won't you?"

"I'll try."

"Then you'll be all right. And there are people who will help you—your grandmother, Emily, Nikolas." His eyes slid away from hers, focused on his hands that lay still in his lap. When he went on his voice was low and soft, "And…and there's me."

"But, you have your own life with Courtney. I can't—"

"We're not…we're not getting back together."

Elizabeth was still as his eyes swung back up to hers. There was something in the soft blue depths—hurt, sadness, and loss—things she didn't want to see or acknowledge. God knows she never understood what he saw Sonny's sister, but she didn't want to be that person who wouldn't offer comfort just to prove a point. Reconnecting with Jason meant too much to her, she wasn't going to do anything that might endanger that. "I'm sorry Jason. It must be hard for you."

His shoulders lifted in a slight shrug. "I don't want her to be unhappy, and she can't be happy with me, with my life, so it's better this way."

"That doesn't make it any easier to let go."

"I—I'll live."

"You always seem to be able to make me feel like things are going to be okay. I wish I could do something for you."

"You do."

"Well, I don't know about that," she said with a rueful laugh, "but if you say so who am I to contradict you?"

"Right. You need to remember that," he said with a slight grin.

"I will." It seemed as if her emotions were still on the roller coaster ride that she had started on earlier. As she let out a shuddering soft sigh hot tears welled up in her eyes again.

"You're probably tired. I should get going," Jason said as he rose and crossed to the table where his coat lay draped across the stool.

Elizabeth got up from the couch as he slid into the supple, dark jacket. Following him to the door she reached out and stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Thank you Jason. For staying, for talking to me. I'm really glad I ran into you tonight."

"Yeah, me…me too."

As she closed the door behind Jason, Elizabeth felt a surge of hope swell inside, pushing aside the fear and desperation, tamping them down into a small, dark spot that she thought she could manage.

Jason was right; she did have something to look forward to…something good, so no more looking back. With help from friends, family…Jason…she felt like she could finally take that step forward.

There would never be a better time to start her life again.

[JRK Archiver]

Chapter 5

Jason Morgan didn't want to have to be the one to tell her. He didn't want to cause Elizabeth any more pain and heartache. She'd had enough of it in her life. He knew that.

After all, he'd been there for a lot of it.

He had stood in the background the day she thought Lucky Spencer died in a fire. He'd watched her collapse onto the grimy, sooty pavement, weeping and desperate, clutching a blackened subway token as she tried to make sense of what was happening.

He'd listened to her for months mourn the only person she had trusted.

He'd saved her from a bomb, meant for him.

He'd dragged her out of a pitch-black crypt and was thankful she hadn't died because of him.

He'd watched her flat line in a hospital bed after the man who claimed to love her had almost ended her life. All because of a pointless vendetta against Sonny.

Most recently, he'd held her as she sobbed when her best friend was dying of cancer.

He didn't want to have to be the one to tell her that the father of her child was dead…

But…he would do it.


*~*~*


Closing his eyes for a moment, Jason took a long, deep breath and finally made himself push open the door to Kelly's. As he stopped in front of her at the counter, Elizabeth glanced up. Even though her pregnancy wasn't showing much yet, her face was softer, maybe a little fuller. She seemed happy. Well…happier anyway.

"Hey. You look tired," she said with a warm, easy smile. "Want some coffee? Or are you here for something to eat?"

He shook his head. "Neither. Look, can you take a break?"

"I think so," she said glancing around the quiet diner. "Let me just go tell Penny." As she walked away, she flashed a puzzled look over her shoulder at him before disappearing into the back room.

He waited, silently, hands on hips, for her return.

"Well, Penny, sweetheart that she is, said to just go ahead and take off," Elizabeth told him as she shrugged into her thick down coat and wrapped a long, blue scarf around her neck. "So, I'm all yours. You have my undivided attention. Where to?"

Where to? That was a good question. A fast ride to nowhere so he could forget all of this for a while and not think sounded good to Jason. But he wasn't sure that was what Elizabeth would need.

"Okay, why do I get the feeling that you're not here just to have a nice chat?" she asked with a rueful smile. "Not that you really ever chat, but, well, you know what I mean."

"I—I need to tell you something."

"That sounds ominous," she said with a soft, wary laugh. "Look Jason, even though it's a little cold, take me for a ride on your motorcycle. It's such a clear night, I just want to get away for a while, look at the stars, not think. When we get where we're going then you can tell me whatever it is you need to tell me."

Breathing a sigh of relief he said, "Okay, fair enough."


*~*~*


Jason drove fast, pushing the bike through the turns on the cliff road with Elizabeth warm against his back. It felt right, normal…good…and he didn't want it to end, but all too soon, he was forced to slow down when the stone bridge loomed into view. Pulling off the road, he parked the bike in a place he'd parked more times than he could count.

"Oh that was fun," Elizabeth said breathlessly as she climbed off the bike.

"Were you…did you get cold?"

"No. It was wonderful," Elizabeth said as she pulled off the helmet and shook her head making chestnut curls bounce around her face. "Gosh, it's been so long since I was out here last."

"Yeah, me too."

They were quiet for a while; each lost in thought as they walked out into the middle of the bridge and stood, looking out into the dark at the twinkling lights of the city in the distance.

Jason knew he couldn't put off telling her for much longer. So, with a resigned sigh, he turned and found Elizabeth watching him, her dark blue eyes wide and searching.

"What is it? You look really funny Jason so you better start talking because you're really starting to scare me."

"I…I'm sorry. It's just—it's hard…"

"Oh my God," she whispered softly, her hand rising to cover her mouth. He watched her eyes gloss over and her chin begin to quiver. "It's Em, isn't it? The cancer. It's back."

"No, it's not…it's not Emily. She's fine," he said quickly. "It's Zander. Elizabeth—"

"Zander? What? Jason, just tell me."

"He…he's dead."

"Dead?" She questioned softly as her brow furrowed. "No, that can't be right. He was leaving town."

"Well, he didn't. Or at least…he hadn't yet. Look, Faith's been trying to move in on Sonny's territory for months now. She brought some new player to town and demanded a meeting with Sonny at the Haunted Star. I…I went early to check things out and when I got there no one was inside…except—"

"Except Zander."

"Yeah," he said nodding.

She was quiet for a few minutes. He could see her still trying to absorb what she had just heard. Then she turned to him, eyes wide. "God Jason, you…oh please tell me you weren't the one—"

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "I didn't…it wasn't me."

"Then who?"

"I don't know. No one was around when I found him."

"So what…did you just leave him there?" Her tone was accusatory, but he knew that it was just a gut reaction. Simple, honest and real.

"I could hear the sirens. The police were on the way. I had to get out of there."

"Are you sure? Are you sure he was dead?"

Jason nodded slowly.

"Oh God," Elizabeth moaned softly as she turned and slid down with her back against the stone bridge until she was crouched, arms wrapped around her. He watched as her face crumpled and the tears came then, in a rush. Sobs shook her, aching sharp and heart wrenching and he couldn't stand there just watching so he crouched down in front of her. She looked up, dark blue eyes shiny and wide, cheeks red with the wind and cold, anguish twisting her face in sorrow.

"I…I'm sorry. I didn't want you to hear it on the news."

"Thanks. I appreciate that," she said, her voice thick with tears. "Can you…please take me home now Jason? I just want to be by myself."

"Sure," he said with a nod.

He could tell by the way that she clung to him on the ride home, her cheek pressed tight to his back, that she was trying hard to hold on to her composure, trying to settle into some sort of acceptance.

While he had never had much use for Zander Smith, he knew that Elizabeth had cared about the younger man. Jason wasn't sure he understood why, but that didn't matter. It wasn't really any of his business.

When they arrived at Elizabeth's studio Jason followed her upstairs to make sure she got in safe.

"Will you come in?"

"Are you sure?"

She nodded. "I thought I wanted to be alone, but now that we're here I don't want you to leave."

"I won't until you want me to."

"Thanks. I'm just going to go wash my face and change out of my work clothes. I still smell like hamburgers," she said wrinkling her nose. With a gesture toward the refrigerator she said, "All I have to drink is water. Or there's hot chocolate. I guess I should have something else when people come over, but then it's not like I get that many visitors."

"It…it's alright. I'm not…I don't need anything."

"Okay," she said softly then turned and headed for the bathroom.

Jason crossed over to the window and stood looking out. Across the street the coffee warehouse was quiet. Sounds drifted around the room…the traffic on Harbor Drive, the low, mournful wail of the foghorn out in the harbor and the muted rush of water running in the bathroom. It wasn't long before he distinguished something different from all the rest…crying. Tentatively, he crossed the small studio to the bathroom door.

"Are you…are you okay?"

When the door opened, Elizabeth stood there still dressed in her work clothes, tears gliding silver shiny down her face.

"I just—" she said with a futile gesture as her face twisted with tears. "What am I going to tell the baby? I know Zander wasn't always reliable. He didn't make the best choices but I really think he could have been a good father."

"I thought you said he didn't want to have anything to do with the…with the baby."

"He said that, but he would have changed his mind. He would have. Eventually. Now he won't ever get the chance."

Jason watched her tears renew, falling steady and fast. Stepping toward her, he reached out to tuck a silky strand of stray hair back behind her ear when a sharp, loud knock sounded at the door. Elizabeth sucked in a quick, deep breath, swiped at the tears on her face, and crossed to the door. Her shoulders tensed when she pulled open the door and he knew why when he heard Ric Lansing's voice.

"I came right over to see if you were okay."

"Okay? Why Ric?"

"Elizabeth, you've been crying. Is everything all right?"

"I'm fine. Why are you here?"

"Right. How could you know? I have some bad news. I just heard on the radio that Zander Smith was found dead tonight."

"I already…I know."

"Oh right, I suppose Lucky called you. How are you doing? I can come in and stay with you for awhile."

"That won't be necessary."

"I know this must be hard for you. I just want to help."

"You can't. Please, you need to go."

"Elizabeth. It kills me to see you hurting. Let me help you."

Jason told himself he wasn't going to interfere because he knew he had to let Elizabeth handle Ric, but when he saw the man's hand grab the edge of the door and start to push it open further, he couldn't just stand there.

Stepping across the room to stand close behind her Jason said, "Elizabeth just told you she didn't need your help."

The dark-haired man's face changed, going from soft to hard, in an instant. "Well, why am I not surprised to find you here Jason? I bet you couldn't wait to run over here and comfort Elizabeth. Be the big hero."

"And you're here for what?"

Lansing laughed, his eyes sliding away and then back in a flash as his fingers rubbed hard across his forehead. "I'm here because I love my wife and I don't want to see her hurt."

Before he could stop it a short, soft scoff burst from Jason. "You've got a funny way of showing it. Chained any more pregnant women to a wall lately…Ric?"

"Oh that's rich coming from a paragon of virtue such as yourself Jason. By the way, where were you tonight? On The Haunted Star getting rid of Zander once and for all?"

"Stop. Please just stop," Elizabeth cried softly not looking at either one of them.

With a deep breath, Jason folded his arms across his chest and stepped back, his stare still fixed on Ric.

"Just leave Ric," Elizabeth said. "I don't want your help and I sure as hell don't want your love. How many times do I have to say it before you listen to me?"

"You don't mean it Elizabeth. I can see it in your eyes."

"No, you're only seeing what you want to see. I've told you over and over I am not your wife. I don't want you back in my life. So go and don't come here again because if you do I'll go to the PCPD and have Lucky issue a restraining order against you."

If Elizabeth hadn't been standing there, holding herself so still, Jason would have laughed at the look of shock and surprise that crossed Lansing's face.

"I can't believe you mean that."

"I do. Goodbye," she said firmly as she pushed the door closed without waiting to hear the words he spoke.

Turning to her painting table Elizabeth occupied her hands, pushing things around, straightening, and moving different items back and forth. Finally, she stilled and let out a sigh. Crossing to the couch, she slumped down on it and covered her face with her hands.

"God Jason, why can't I just hate him and let it go at that? Why do the good moments, as few as they are, keep flooding through my mind?"

"Sometimes it's hard to let go of something that you…that you want even if you can see it's not going to work," he said as he moved to sit down beside her.

"How did you do it?"

Had he really let go? Maybe…finally. Jason ran the back of his index finger across his eyebrow before he looked up and met her eyes. "I…I'm not sure," he said with a shrug.

"So did you just go back to that place where you don't feel anything? Because if you did can you tell me how to do it? I really need to know Jason."

He shook his head. "No, that's not…that's not what I did. I just…I know Courtney's better off without me."

"Do you think I'm better off without Ric?"

He nodded slowly and his voice came out quiet when he answered, "Yes, I do."

Elizabeth's straight white teeth dragged across her bottom lip as she ducked her head and tucked her hair behind her ears in a gesture he'd seen a hundred times.

"I—I do too…now. But there's always going to be a part of me that sees the good parts of him. There really are…good parts."

Jason eased back against the couch, stared at his hands where they lay in his lap. He supposed that if anyone could see the good in someone, it would be Elizabeth. After all, she'd found something in him that no one else seemed to want to, or be able to, see. She'd saved his life, hid him, lied for him. And in the process came to mean something more to him. Something he knew was good and real.

"Even when you know something is right…doesn't make it any easier to do sometimes."

"Is it ever going to get easier Jason?" Elizabeth asked softly, her voice thick again with emotion. He looked at her then, saw her blue eyes, dark and filling with tears that ran down her cheeks to drop softly onto her hands.

He wanted to tell her everything would be all right, that things would get easier, but how did he know that?

All he could do was reach his arm around her and pull her close.

It didn't seem like enough.

But…he would do it just the same.

[JRK Archiver]

Chapter 6

The day was clear and cold with a sky so blue it almost hurt to look at it. Elizabeth watched the minister's breath cloud frosty white in the morning sun as he spoke words of comfort that only left her feeling more bereft. It was a short, simple, and serious service. No smiles, no tearful laughter, nothing that spoke to the brightness of a person she had cared about for so long. It made her wonder what Zander would have thought and she could almost hear him say it was more than he deserved. But she would never believe that.



She watched as Nikolas led a tearful Emily away, his arms wrapped around her, secure and supportive, understanding that Em needed the closure. She witnessed Zander's father lose his battle with composure and break down, helplessly weeping, inconsolable. She doubted a parent could ever come to terms with outliving both of his children...any of his children. Alexis stood stoically next to Cameron, strong in crisis, her grieving turned inward as she gripped his hand tightly and moved into his embrace when he could no longer face what was happening.



After everyone had gone Elizabeth stood alone, her eyes fixed on the polished wood casket that sat poised over the gaping black hole awaiting it, and as she smoothed her hand over her slightly rounding stomach, the tears finally came. She and Zander had turned to each other more than once for friendship, comfort, and acceptance. She supposed that there was love there--just not the kind that would enable two people to build a life together--not even for a child.



"No matter what you say Zander you would have been a good father. I know that in my heart," she whispered softly. "I'll tell the baby about you."



When the tears finally subsided and her vision came back into focus, Elizabeth looked up, across the expanse of spring green lawn to find Jason standing tall and straight in the distance. His hands were shoved deep into the pockets of the battered and worn black leather jacket that he sometimes wore like armor and even at this distance, she could see concern etched on his face. With a deep breath, she swiped her hands across her face, pushed her hair back behind her ears, and made her way over to where Jason stood.



"Hey," he said softly when she stopped in front of him.



"Hi. How long have you been standing there?"



"Since before Emily and Nikolas left."



"You could have joined us."



He shook his head slightly. "I didn't want to intrude."



Elizabeth understood that Jason had never liked Zander. She supposed if it had been her sister the younger man had kidnapped at gunpoint she would have had a hard time forgetting or forgiving too. But Zander had changed, because of Emily, because she loved him, because she saw the good in him. When he lost her, it had done something to him. Elizabeth thought that in time he would have come to accept it, but it didn't seem like there was ever enough time. Things happened and that was it. No going back.



"Are...are you okay?"



Elizabeth felt hot tears well again in her eyes. Blinking rapidly to keep them from falling she looked away from Jason's intense scrutiny and said, "Oh, if bursting into tears every five minutes can be defined as okay then I guess I'm just fine."



"I...I'm sorry that you're hurting," he said softly as he reached out and brushed a thumb across her cheek to sweep away an errant tear.



Not stopping to think about what she did, Elizabeth stepped close to Jason then, her arms slipping under his coat, seeking his warmth and his strength...and the comfort that she knew he would freely give. Without hesitation, he enfolded her in his arms, and Elizabeth couldn't help but lean into him, settling into his strong, secure embrace.



"Thank you for being here," she said, her voice muffled against his chest. Turning her head to rest her cheek against him, she went on. "I was feeling so alone until I looked up and saw you standing there."



"I wanted to make sure you were okay."



"I can't seem to stop crying."



"Maybe you just need to let it out. Not worry about it."



Elizabeth closed her eyes and let the rise and fall of Jason's chest, and the warmth of his skin pressed to hers soothe her, quiet the turmoil that was scrambling around inside.



The first funeral she had ever been to was for Lucky, when they thought he had died in the fire. Then, she was in such a state of denial, what was really happening didn't sink in. The last one she had attended was for Sonny and because she didn't know it wasn't real she had been so worried about what losing him was going to do to Jason that she couldn't think about anything else.



This time, however, it was all too real. She knew Zander was dead, had even accepted it. There was a time and a place, a purpose, for mourning and she would give that to Zander, and to herself. After all, it was the least she could do for someone she cared about.



When a yawn surprised her it made Elizabeth realize just how tired she was. With a deep breath, she drew reluctantly away from Jason. "I think I need to go home."



"Have you been able to sleep?"



Shaking her head she said, "Not much. Maybe now."



In silence, they walked side-by-side back to the parking lot. She wanted to tell him how much it meant to her that he had showed up but she knew Jason well enough to know that he wouldn't think what he had done was anything special.



As she stopped next to her car, Elizabeth turned to him and took a deep breath. "Jason, thank you for coming here. For caring. After everything that's happened between us it means more to me than you'll know."



"I...I'll always be hereI'm not going anywhere." When he answered her in a quiet, sure voice Elizabeth saw truth in his soft blue eyes and it opened the floodgate again. Tears welled and slid down her cheeks. Suddenly the thought of going home alone, being by herself even for a minute, was overwhelming her to the point of paralysis.



"Will you...can you come home with me Jason? I really can't face being alone right now."



With a nod he said, "I can...I can do that."




*~*~*




Elizabeth was still fumbling with the keys when Jason walked up and took them from her to open the door. Once inside she put her purse down and stood still trying to will the tears away, trying to stop the sobs from shaking her from head to toe.



"Hey," Jason said bending his knees to look her in the eyes as his hands lifted to frame her face, warm against her wind chilled cheeks. "It's okay to cry."



"I--I know. It's not that," she said between sobs.



"Then what is it?"



"I just...at the funeral Emily had Nikolas and Alexis was there for Zander's dad. I didn't have anyone. When I was with Ric, there was a time when it was good and I thought finally, someone to share my life with, to come home to, to wait for. Then, it all fell apart and he lied...so many times. Now Zander's gone. Not that we would have been together, that's not what either of us wanted. But, you know, he was around. Even though he said he was going to leave, in the end I really don't think he would have. And now...I just...I don't know Jason. I feel so alone...and there's no one."



Without saying anything, Jason drew her close to his tall, lean body, wrapped her in his arms, surrounded her with warmth and comfort. That only brought more tears and deeper sobs because it felt good and right, but she knew it wasn't fair to Jason.



"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said pushing away from him. "I shouldn't be doing this to you."



"It...it's okay Elizabeth."



"Is it? What right do I have to ask you to make me feel better time after time? I'm not your responsibility and I don't want to be a burden."



Crossing over to the couch she sat down and pulled the soft blue blanket around her. Jason followed and settled in next to her, reaching his arm around her and pulling her close.



His voice was soft when he spoke. "First of all, I didn't hear you asking me to make you feel better. And second, I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. Youyou know that."



She did, she knew that, but it didn't hurt to be reminded again that there was something...someone...she could count on.




*~*~*




It was a balmy night, warm and lazy. A perfect cap to one of those warm spring days that fooled everyone into believing summer was just around the corner. Elizabeth knew it wouldn't last. The weather reports on the local channel were all predicting a big storm, possibly with snow, to finish out the week. For now, she would enjoy sitting out in the dusky golden glow of the sunset, watching the ships move slowly around the harbor.



Heavy footsteps, hurried, with a purpose, rang against the silvered wooden boards of the dock. She turned, knowing the sound of those boots; sure she'd find Jason. She hadn't seen him since Zander's funeral and she knew it wasn't his fault. He'd been into Kelly's since then, even asked about her, but because she was embarrassed, each time she'd made Penny wait on him while she hid in the backroom until he left.



"Hey," she said taking in the rigid set of his shoulders, the way his brow furrowed between glacial blue eyes. "What's wrong?"



He stopped next to her, one hand coming to rest on his hip, the other rubbing across his forehead, in a gesture of frustration that she had seen a hundred times before. Shaking his head slightly he said, "I...I just came from signing the divorce papers."



"That must have been hard for you. I'm sorry."



He nodded slightly as he sat down next to her. "I knew it wouldn't work out."



"But you never really stop hoping."



He shrugged slightly. "Maybe."



"I know how that feels. I think even now there's a part of me that believes it's all going to be fine."



"And...how...how do you deal with that?"



"Oh, there's a much bigger part that knows it's never going to happen. That doesn't even want it to, so I usually listen to that part," she said with a rueful laugh. "Ric did so many things that are unforgivable. I suppose that makes it easier too. I'm sure it's not the same for you."



"Courtney wants me to change. What I do for a living," he said as he shook his head. When he went on his voice was low and raspy, "I can't. She said she could handle it. I tried...over and over...to make her understand what that really meant."



"Does that make you angry?"



He shook his head. "It's not...it's not wrong to want the person you love to be safe."



"No, but you can't expect them to change into someone you think or want them to be. That never works. A person is going to be who they are no matter how much you love them. That's one thing I've learned."



And learned the hard way, Elizabeth thought. She had loved Ric...a lot...and still it wasn't enough. She wasn't a good enough reason for him to change, to let go of his vendetta against Sonny. God knows she had her own issues with Sonny, but they weren't a part of her. They weren't ingrained into who she was and always would be. That was the part of Ric she couldn't accept.



Taking a deep breath Jason scrubbed his hands over his face and turned to her. "How are you?"



"I'm okay. Some days are better than others, but the bad ones are less frequent now."



"That...that's good."



"Yeah, it is. It's nice to have things quiet down. I hope that they'll stay that way for a while before the baby comes."



His voice was soft when he asked, "Do you know if it...if it's a girl or a boy?"



"Not yet. I'm not sure I want to find out. In a way it would be nice to know, I could buy clothes and things that were right, but I think I want it to be a surprise. I don't care which it is but I do know if it's a girl, her middle name is going to be Audrey."



"That...that's nice."



"And if it's a boy his middle name will be Zander. I just haven't found any first names. I think subconsciously that I don't want to yet because I'm afraid that I'll jinx it somehow. And that maybe it's something that will have to wait until I see him or her and then I'll know what's right for who he or she is. Is that completely stupid?"



"No...I don't think so."



"Well that's good to know, especially since I haven't been acting all that rational lately.



"You haven't?"



"Well, no," she said as she turned to him. "Jason, I've been avoiding you."



"Really?" She could tell by the lift of his eyebrow and the tone of his voice that her admission amused him.



"That obvious, huh?"



"Hmmm, well, I think it might have been the way you ran to hide in the back room the minute you saw me walk into Kelly's the last couple of times that gave it away."



"I suppose that would have been a clue," she said with a rueful laugh. "I'm sorry. I was embarrassed."



"About...about what?"



"That night after Zander's funeral. I was just a mess, and yet again, there you were to pick up the pieces."



"There's nothing wrong with needing someone."



"Right, and how often do you need someone Jason?"



He was silent for a moment as his gaze dropped to his hands. When he looked back up, the dock lights glittered in his soft blue eyes. "Tonight, when I...when I came down the stairs and saw you sitting there, it made me feel better."



Elizabeth knew it was as close to an admission of need that she was ever going to get from him and she accepted that. Jason didn't always say much, but when he did it meant something.



Something that was simple, honest, and real.



For months, Elizabeth had wished that her life would be like that again. That she could count on people to say what they really meant and tell her the truth. Lately, she couldn't help but think that maybe she was closer than she had been in a long, long time to seeing that wish come true.



That thought felt good and it made her want to return the favor so she gave Jason back his own words.



"I'll always be here...I'm not going anywhere."



And she could only hope they meant as much to him as they did to her.